Absolute Anguish
by oenomaus
Summary: Anguish - excruciating or acute distress. Daryl feels out of place in Alexandria. The walls of the safe zone feel like they are closing around him faster with each day. He just wants it to stop.
1. Chapter 1

They had only been in Alexandria for a few days now, almost a week. Everyone seemed to be settling in now that their unease subsided. However, that didn't mean they weren't ready just in case something happened. Something always happened, the people in this town couldn't understand that though. They were lucky they had walls protecting them this whole time. Still, Daryl couldn't understand how they could be so clueless, he stayed in the house mostly, so he didn't have to talk to any of them. have a little space to get away from it all for about two days straight. They had tried to get Daryl to take the last room in the house, told him the same things he'd been hearing from them for hours on end.

"Maybe having your own space will be good for you Daryl." Carol had said when she had started unpacking his one bag into the room. There really hadn't been much in it though, a single change of clothes, weapons and a book. "You can relax for once." He hadn't slept in that room yet, he's stayed mostly to the porch and the living room.

His family had stayed together their first night and then had broken apart slowly into the two houses. He stayed with Rick, his kids, Carol, and Michonne. It was a big house with rooms for everyone. Michonne and Carol had seemed plenty happy about that. They had talked about how nice it was to

He'd never been in such a nice house before. Hell, he didn't even know people that owned houses like this before the turn. He had grown up in a shitty house that was more of a shack, then his mom died and the house burned down, they moved to a trailer home, which was worse. He had eventually saved up money to rent a crappy apartment after he left home. It had been about the same size as the living room he was currently situated in. He looked around the room once more from where he was lying on the couch. There was a clock, nice furniture, book shelves with books, everything looked clean and expensive.

He felt out of place with his dirty, torn up clothes and his crossbow leaning against the couch next to him. He hadn't showered yet, Carol was trying to get him to, actually now everyone was dropping him hints about it. He wouldn't though, he knew they didn't really care, they just wanted him to make a good impression on the town people and Deanna.

He didn't need their approval. They didn't know shit. They always gave him looks when they saw him on the porch. He could tell they didn't think much of him, like people before the turn, he was redneck trash once again. He thought he'd never see that look again, that tell tale look that said 'I'm better then you, you should know your place'. He heard them talking about him sometimes, they weren't as quite as they thought they were. They mocked his clothes, messy long hair, and attitude. He heard one lady talk about how she didn't understand how Rick let someone like him live in the same house as his kids.

He sighed and pushed himself off the couch, pacing over to the bookcase. He skimmed through the books for about the tenth time since he woke up today. He liked reading since he was a kid. It was a way to forget about what was happening around him, like going to a different place. It was the closest he was going to get right now to outside the walls, Rick didn't want him to go far yet. Maybe he could find some kids books to read to Judith. He flipped through some books but none of them seemed to catch his attention.

"Anything worth reading?" Maggie. He turned to face her, he hadn't even realized she had come in the house. It was official, this place was slowly getting to him. He grunted and dropped the book he had onto the shelf. Maggie raised an eyebrow at his eloquent answer. " You could come over to our place and check out those books, maybe you'll find something better." he shrugged and flopped back onto the couch. He heard her moving closer, her head popped over the back of the couch as she looked down at him. "Maybe you should get out of the house, get some air," she paused waiting for a reply, nothing came, "come on, you can help me get some stuff from the pantry."

"Can't Glenn help you?" he swore he saw her smile get bigger when he answered, he should have stayed quite.

"He's busy and you're not doing anything." He rolled his eyes and got up. He never had a sister, but he was confident that's what Maggie qualified as.

"What are we getting?" He ignored the look of satisfaction on her face and followed her out of the house. Outside was nice, or it was until he felt eyes on him. It was like they thought he was a circus attraction. He shuffled closer to Maggie and pulled out a cigarette to calm his nerves. He was pulling out a second by the time they got to the pantry, which was impressive because the pantry wasn't that far away. He leaned against the wall as Maggie read off a list of things they still needed. Most of it was clothing, then laundry soap, and lastly some extra bedding. She handed him a basket as he finished up his cigarette and instructed him to get the bedding. They needed some extra bed sheets, some quilts and pillowcases. He tried to get ones that matched but he was pretty sure they were all slightly different shades of green.

He turned back once he was done to where Maggie was and saw her shifting through some clothes. She held out a black t-shirt, inspecting it as he stopped next to her.

"Will this fit you?" He snorted and looked at her, trying to find any hint that she was joking. She wasn't, she patiently waited for an answer. " You need new clothes Daryl, you only have two outfits and they're both starting to fall apart." She was right of course. She seemed genuinely concerned about them falling off his body at any given moment, which was a real concern at this point. He reached out and picked up a different shirt, a dark grey button down. He held it out to Maggie for her to take. "What's wrong with what I picked out?"

" 'S small," he gave a half hearted shrug, " easier to take the sleeves off of this one anyways." she elbowed him in the ribs with a small chuckle.

"You should try leaving the sleeves on for once, maybe you'll like it." He gave her a small push back. She took the shirt and they went through the pants. That took a lot of negotiating on his part and was overall kind of painful for everyone involved but they finally got a pair and headed back to the house after they marked down what they got.

They saw Tara in front of the houses with Eugene. They were talking about some type of game that involved having to mark up the yard. Huh, they had a yard now, that was weird to think about. Maggie handed off the clothes and took the bedding from him as they went into their separate houses. Once inside Daryl found Rick and Carol had come back from wherever they had been earlier. Carol seemed interested in the bundle he carried.

"New Clothes? How did that happen?" She gave him that little smirk that always made him feel wary about answering back.

"Maggie." Rick was giving him a look now too. "What?"

"Just glad you got out a little is all," Rick gave him a bit of a once over, "we've been kind of worried about you." he snorted and set his new clothes on the counter. Carol immediately took them and looked them over.

"Blue jeans!?" she raised an eyebrow at him. "since when do you wear blue jeans. ?"

"Maggie," was his clipped response, he had other things to talk about, " what are ya talkin' bout. I'm fine." Rick gave him a stern look like he was a kid lying about taking the last cookie from the jar.

"Oh? That why you've been hiding in the house since we got here? " Daryl was pretty sure if he rolled his eyes one more time today they were going to roll right out of his head.

"Ain't nothing to do man, cause you won't let me hunt." His plan was to basically wear Rick down to the point he would finally cave and let Daryl go as he pleased. He smirked at the exasperated look Rick threw him. It was going well so far. He guessed it would be a couple more days before his brother relented, but he would in the end, otherwise he might become homicidal and Rick must have sensed that.

"Just give it a little more time Daryl, and then you can leave. We don't know these people, we're starting to, but we need to make absolutely sure the group is safe here with them." In case something happened he needed to be here to help protect. Rick didn't say it but he knew that's what he was really talking about. Daryl bit his thumb and nodded, it was easier to agree then fight him on this, not that he would, he could see the reason behind it all. He could get past the discomfort, he would for his family. They liked it here, they wanted it to work. Who cared what the towns people thought of him, right. He only needed his family and he knew they couldn't care less about where he came from, what he did before all this, his heavy accent, how dirty he was, or his messy hair and clothes (although Maggie had been very persistent about those blue jeans).

"Okay. _" Suck it up Dixon, they need you here._ He saw Rick nod and Carol handed him the new clothes back after she folded them. He tucked them under his arm and turned and walked through the living room toward the room Carol had designated as his, picking up his crossbow on the way. He shut the door and dropped everything on the floor as he slumped onto the bed, looking at the ceiling. _Just a couple days, you can do this._ With that thought he closed his eyes and wished for the unpleasant feeling growing in his stomach to go away.


	2. Chapter 2

Daryl woke to the feeling of something poking his cheekbone repeatedly. He reached out and swatted at the rude awakening, only to get a small laugh and continued poking in return. He cracked an eye open and saw that the offensive object was a finger. He turned to his side and saw that he was in his room on the bed, he didn't remember falling asleep. Carl stood before him with a small smile and Judith on his hip.

"Carol's making breakfast, she told me to wake you up," he looked around Daryl's room as he relayed his message and sat down on the bed next to Daryl's legs. Daryl pressed an arm over his eyes and tried to ignore the light pouring through the window now that he was awake. Maybe he could fall back asleep and not wake up for a few days. The sudden familiar weight of Judith crawling on top of him prevented him from doing just that. "You can feed Judith if you want, she hasn't eaten yet." Daryl cradled the small girl to his chest as he sat up and nudged Carl up with his leg. Judith gave a little squeal of delight when he stood up and brought her closer to press a raspberry to her cheek. He gave a narrowed look to Carl as she patted his face.

"More like she wouldn't eat and now I have ta do it," that's been a new thing. Lately she'd only eat when Daryl or Rick fed her.

Everyone had thought it was absolutely hilarious when Michonne had tried to feed her a while back and Judith had scrunched up her face and cried the most pathetic crocodile tears he'd ever seen. Michonne had been startled and tried to calm her down before any walkers passing by could hear.

She stopped immediately only to start up again as Michonne tried a second time. She passed her to Maggie who tried and failed, who passed her to Glenn much with the same results. Glenn passed her to Daryl as a joke, who had no problem getting her to down her lunch. Glenn had thrown his hands in the air with a bewildered " _Really_!" only to have everyone in camp laughing and telling him to keep it down.

Daryl had felt a twinge of pride and fondness for a brief moment, and only a brief moment. Almost immediately after the feeding fiasco happened a third time later that night everyone jokingly started calling Daryl 'Judith's other dad', including Rick, that traitor. It was like they got off on his mortification, the sick bastards.

Carl shrugged as if if to say 'what do you want me to do about it' and walked out the room. Daryl following close behind lightly combing Judith's hair to the side, out of her face. She grabbed his fingers in retaliation and he let her drag them down to her mouth where she chewed on one of them a little. Actually, even though she had a mouth full of teeth now Daryl wasn't sure it qualified as chewing as much as it did just drooling. Carl made a beeline for his own sanctuary upstairs, as Daryl followed the smell of food through the first floor.

Once in the kitchen Daryl found Judith's food on the counter. Glenn and Michonne sat close by giving mischievous smiles. Daryl sat the little girl on the counter and started to feed her little spoons of mashed peas, all the while glaring at his two friends.

"Fuckin' traitors" he grumbled as he brought his attention back to Judith.

"Hey, I tried. She just wasn't having it" Michonne said as she ate her own breakfast a smirk growing bigger. "I hear you got some new clothes." She made a point of looking over his still ratty clothes and raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah."

"There a reason you still got those on"

"t' spite Maggie" he shrugged. He wasn't really sure what else to say. How do you tell people it seems weird to be wearing new, clean clothes. It shouldn't be weird, he should want to have new clothes. He was always happy to get them when they were out on the road. Now though, it seemed wrong, the clothes were too nice.

"Hey! That's my wife you're talking about man." Glenn held a hand over his mouth to cover up the food he was chewing, once he swallowed he gave Daryl a kind smile. "She told me all about the trip you guys took to the pantry yesterday. Thanks for that, I know that was probably the last thing you wanted to do. I think she's getting a little stir crazy, she needed something to do."

"She ain't the only one." Daryl muttered as he looked around the kitchen. "where is everyone? Thought Carl said Carol was making food," they seemed to be the only people in the house. Glenn snorted.

"Is that what he told you to get you up?" Daryl glared at the ceiling hoping Carl could feel it all the way in the attic. Glenn laughed a little. "Sorry man. Carol's out being all neighborly, making friends," Glenn made air quotes around 'making friends'. "Maggie, Tara, Noah, Eugene and Rosita are playing monopoly next door, which is why I left. I think Sasha's trying to find out about doing target practice, Abe and Rick went to meet with Deanna." Daryl nodded. Glenn hadn't mentioned the priest, couldn't really blame him though, none of them were really close to him. "Michonne and I are going to take Carl and Jude down to that pond they have. Swim a little, the town people said it would be okay. Want to come with?"

"Think I'll stay here." Daryl threw the spoon he'd been feeding Judith with into the sink when she finished her food, and rummaged through the cabinets for his own meal. He could hear Glenn talking to the little girl about their big plans for the day only to get little laughs in reply. Everyone was just waiting for the day she'd start talking back.

"I guess it's just too close to taking a bath, huh?" He could hear the smile without having to see Michonne's face. He pulled out some stale cereal, and turned toward her, with his own small, sarcastic smile.

"Can't have people getting the wrong idea now." Michonne and Glenn laughed as Carl came stomping down the stairs with a couple towels. Daryl threw a piece of his cereal at the boy for his previous deception, "ya punk." Carl just laughed a little and tried to rush his swimming companions out the door. It was nice to see Carl happy like this, he got to be a kid again, at least for a little while. He and Michonne were already out the door with Judith, talking excitedly about water games they liked best before the turn. Glenn stayed back a little and was looking at Daryl.

"Sure you don't want to come?" Daryl snorted.

"Yeah, I'll probably sleep some more or read something," he waved half half-heartedly at the bookshelf he could see across the way. Glenn nodded.

"Okay. Probably for the best, just in case Tara loses that game," he pointed in the direction of the other house. "she wasn't winning when I left. You know how serious she can get about games, she might burn the house down in retaliation if she loses." Daryl scoffed at that. He once played a game of cards with Tara and Abe and had been slightly alarmed at her competitiveness. He had thought Abe would be the sore loser, but they had both been momentarily shocked by the words that came out of her mouth when she lost. Now it was just funny.

"Not promising anything'" Glenn laughed and clapped his hand down on Daryl's shoulder before leaving him alone in the house.

An couple hours later Daryl found himself engrossed in a book Carol had left on the coffee table for him. It was relaxing, but apparently too relaxing because he almost feel off the couch when someone knocked on the door. He frowned at the door, if it had been his family they would have just walked in, which meant it was one of the people from the town. If he ignored it they would eventually go away. Except they knocked again. _Fuck_.

He glared at the door and made his way over, opening the door just a crack, glaring at whoever was on the other side of the barrier, it was Aaron. He sighed and opened the door wider offering the man entrance into the house. He liked Aaron, he didn't know what it was about the man that he liked but he felt comfortable around him.

"Oh no, that's okay" Aaron said as he stayed where he was on the porch. "I was actually just wondering if you wouldn't mind helping Eric and I with a building project back at our place. Rosita mentioned you were quite the handy man." He shifted a little under Daryl's steady gaze, he looked nervous maybe. "If you're busy I unde-"

"Sure" Daryl cut him off. Aaron looks surprised, he can't blame him, he's surprised at himself.

"Thanks. Our house is just down the road." He already knew that, Aaron had pointed it out to all of them when they had first gotten there in case they needed anything. Daryl cringed at the people who turned to look at him as they made their way down the street, Aaron going on about something. They were trying to be discrete, but Daryl was much too observant to miss they turned away fast when he looked their way, maybe he was just being paranoid.

He walked a little faster, Aaron also picking up the speed and opening the side door to his house for Daryl. They had a nice little house. It was cozy, not as barren as the house he was currently staying in. Eric popped up around the corner when he heard them.

"Oh thank God, we have no idea what we're doing." He sounded so exasperated and defeated Daryl had to bite his lip from smiling at the other mans pain. He tensed as Eric grabbed his arm and pulled him further into the house, Aaron following. He was herded upstairs to what looked to be their bedroom. On the ground was a pile of polished wood and some tools. "It's supposed to be a desk." He hands Daryl a set of directions that showed how to put it together.

"Don't be fooled, it's not as easy as the directions make it look" Aaron quipped, looking over his shoulder. He snorted and got to work sorting through the pieces on the floor. Aaron joined him on the floor as his boyfriend left the room saying something about getting some snacks.

After much debating, swearing and bickering, they finally got all the pieces together to resemble the picture on the front of the directions. They sat against the wall looking at the finished product, as they ate some of the crackers and iced tea that Eric had brought up. Daryl inspected the few random screws and planks of wood by the foot of the bed.

"Why are there extra pieces?"

"Shhh" Aaron bumped their shoulders together. "We're not talking about it, it's fine." He got up and kicked them under the bed, making his way over to their masterpiece, "Help me move it?" Daryl's muscles ached as he eased himself up, if this had been a fight he's pretty sure the desk won. They made their way down to the dining room when they were finished. Eric had set the table for three, Daryl noticed. He shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other.

"Hope you're hungry, I made a lot, you boys deserve it" Eric called from the kitchen. Daryl sat awkwardly at the table as Aaron went to help his boyfriend. Eric made him dinner, well, Aaron and him. It was weird. Why was everything weird for him all of a sudden? The house, the clothes, the hospitality, how at ease he was with Aaron and Eric, but not the rest of the people in the town.

Once they brought the food to the table they all helped them selves and Eric went on and on about who annoyed him the most and what he heard the neighbors saying about him and Aaron.

"Anyway, how about you Daryl, how have you been doing since getting to Alexandria? I know it can't be easy, I've heard some of the stuff that people are saying when your family isn't around. You're kind of the topic of conversation, and not really the good kind."

Daryl stared at Eric as he talked, quickly forgetting his food. He looked to his side at Aaron who looked slightly mortified that Eric had said that.

"I kind of thought I was imagining that, jus' being paranoid." Daryl said slowly.

"Ignore them," Eric huffed as he stabbed some of the carrots on his plate with vigor. " they're kind of assholes, sometimes. They used to go on and on about Aaron and I, still do actually. They don't know what they're talking about."

Daryl nodded slowly as he pushed the food around on his plate. Now he got why he felt comfortable with these two. They knew what it was like to be different and get judged for it.

"We just wanted to you to know you're welcome here anytime," Aaron said as he gave Daryl a small smile, "that might just make them talk more though, coming over here."

"Fuck 'em" Daryl said, Eric laughed and raised his glass to him before he looked over at Aaron. They seemed to be having a silent conversation between themselves.

"If you want to get out of town, which you seem like you do, I was thinking you could help me recruit, now that Eric's out of commission." Aaron finally spoke up. "I'd like to have you with me, you know what you're doing out there," he stated.

"Sure." The word left his mouth before he could even bother to think about what that meant for him, his family. Rick was going to be pissed that he didn't talk to him first, but he found he didn't care much. He just needed out, and this was it. Aaron was nice enough, he wouldn't mind having him around outside the walls, he was reliable, from what he'd seen. He didn't see a reason not to trust him.

"Great" Aaron beamed, "I'll talk to Deanna tomorrow and get it all approved with her." Daryl nodded absent-minded. Later that night, after he's finished eating and he's walking back toward his own house he notices that no ones out on the street, he's the only one. It's late, maybe midnight, but he knows Rick's probably waiting up for him.

He thinks about what Eric had said. ' _You're kind of the topic of conversation, and not really the good kind.'_ _Fuck 'em,_ he'd said.

 _They don't know shit._ He thought.

That was the funny thing though, when ever he saw someone looking at him or caught someone whispering about him, it felt like they did know. It felt like they knew him better then he knew himself. It felt like it was only a matter of time before his family saw the same thing they were seeing. When they did they wouldn't want him around anymore. That thought hit Daryl hard, like a punch to his chest, he had to stop as he realized breathing was getting harder. He made his way over to a tree and slid down it. His breath catching more easily now and his vision blurring.

 _Fuck. Get it together Dixon._


	3. Chapter 3

Daryl concentrated on getting his breathing under control. Taking deep shaky breaths and holding them for a few seconds. It was a lot harder then he thought it would be. His mind was racing, he felt like he was being suffocated by his own thoughts. His heart was thudding loudly in his ears as he took another deep inhale. He closed his eyes shut and tried to think of something good, anything good. He saw his brother, eating one of the Governor's men, because the universe fucking hated him apparently. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. He fumbled for his pocket knife and flicked it open with a practiced motion.

Daryl pulled the hem of his shirt up a few inches and pressed the tip of the blade to his hip. He applied pressure and dragged it across his skin. He focused on the sharp sting that came from his actions. Repeating again, the second cut above the first. He just needed to focus on this, on the pain.

When his breath no longer seemed to catch in his throat and the thumping in his ears quieted down again he opened his eyes. It was weird to see that everything was exactly the same as it had been a few minutes ago, as if he had been expecting the world around him to have been affected by what had hit him and rocked him to his core. It was still dark and calm out, totally unaffected by what was happening in his head. He wiped at the wetness he could feel on his stomach with the rag from his back pocket. He inspected his shirt to see if any blood had gotten on it. Nothing. He sighed and thudded his head back against the tree.

He wasn't sure how long he had sat there but it must have been a while because he could feel the start of pins creeping up his leg. He thudded his head a few more times trying to dislodge any unwanted lingering thoughts and started back down the street again, shoving the knife and the rag in his back pocket.

He was light on his feet as he made his way into the house. Sure enough Rick was still up, waiting for him.

"Where the hell have you been?" Rick was sitting at the kitchen island looking at him, eerily calm. His question hangs in the air unanswered for a moment too long, "Daryl, where were you?"

"Doesn't matter, I'm back now," Daryl made his way passed Rick, going for his room. He dreaded the idea of facing Rick right now. He felt like shit, probably looked like it too, Rick didn't need his fucked up problems to worry about. He didn't want to face him when his side throbbed as a painful reminder that he was fucked up in the head, and it was only a matter of time before Rick found out. Of course it was hopeful thinking that his friend would let it drop.

"Did you go over the wall?" Rick got up and followed him right into his room.

"Fuck off!" It came out harsher and louder then Daryl intended, but he just needed to get away from Rick. His brother, who knew him better then probably anyone his whole life has. Daryl needed to get away before he realized something was wrong. He shoved hard at Rick's chest, pushing him out of the room and ignored the look of shock on Rick's face, as he slammed the door and locked it. Daryl couldn't really blame him, he was shocked at his own behavior. It wasn't often that he went off like this on a member of his family, especially Rick.

If Rick didn't think something was wrong before he most likely did now. He waited until he heard Rick walk away, which was surprisingly fast considering what just happened between them.

He leaned against the door and pulled out a cigarette and lighter. He could hear Carol in the back of his head telling him not to smoke in the house as he took his first drag. He opened a window to blow the smoke out. It was still quiet and calm out. He plucked the cigarette from his mouth and put it out on the back of his hand.

He remembered when his mother had just died, burned to a crisp. Everything had seemed weird after that moment. People would try talking to him, grief counselors and school counselors, all their talking had been blurred in his mind, he couldn't pay attention for a while, nothing seemed real, until he broke down a couple weeks after the fire.

The school nurse called it a panic attack. He had a few more over the years. One when Merle got hospitalized for a drug overdose, once after a particularly bad beating from his father, another after a bad acid trip, and one this evening.

At least he almost had one, he stopped it before it got too bad. Pain always stopped them. It gave him something to focus on, something that wasn't the frenzied thoughts that would run through his mind. He pulled his shirt up to inspect the cuts, there were five of them, he didn't remember making the last three. They weren't that deep, they had already stopped bleeding on the way home and were now tugging rather annoyingly when he moved the wrong way.

It always seemed good in the moment, it helped him in the moment. Afterwards though, that was a different story. He never felt good afterwards, and they only helped in reminding himself that he was screwed up.

When he was younger his brother and his friends used to make fun of people that did shit like this. Call them pathetic and weak. He practically did the same to Beth later in life, even though he had his own scars on his stomach and legs.

He didn't have a lot, thankfully, but those and the ones his old man gave him were enough that he never took his clothes off in front of others where they could see them and ask. You could see a difference between the ones his Father gave him and his own work.

He was also thankful that no one ever asked about why he never changed in front of others. It was easy before the turn, because he was pretty much a loner. Now he was always surrounded by people though, and it was exhausting. At first when they had been at the quarry, he didn't really know anyone and they probably just chalked it down to shyness, and after people did get to know him, they probably still chalked it down to shyness. That was the benefit to being the quiet guy he supposed. Not a lot of people tend to question you when you just walked away for a few minutes.

Except tonight. Rick had asked tonight. Daryl couldn't hold that against him though. Rick was just worried about the family, they didn't know this place well enough yet. Plus, he seemed to understand that Daryl wanted to be on the other side of the walls, so it only made sense that would be his first thought.

Daryl ended up not sleeping at all, his mind was racing. He kept thinking about everything that had happened, the turn, the Greene farm, the prison, terminus, here, snapping at Rick, trying to come up with ways to make it up to Rick for his behavior. His only conclusion was to try a little. Try to be better in this place. He struggled to keep himself from thinking about the tight feeling in his stomach he couldn't quite shake.

He grabbed his new clothes and worked his way through the house to the upstairs bathroom, the only one with a bath and shower in the house. He was grateful that no-one else was up yet as he locked the door behind him and took in the room for the first time. He hadn't had reason to be in here yet.

It was mostly white, with some blue bathmats and towels. There was a large mirror over the sink, he grimaced at his dirty refection that stood out against the clean tiles of the room.

He reached over to the shower and messed around with it until the water was running warm. He took his clothes off, kicking them to the corner of the room. Daryl eased his way in and had to admit that the water felt amazing, even as it left his side stinging when it poured over the cuts. He turned his face up toward the spray and stayed like that for a couple minutes, embracing the feeling he hadn't realized he missed.

Looking down Daryl saw the water running a grey colour. He grabbed the body wash that was on the shelf and poured a generous amount onto is palm. He scrubbed his body vigorously, paying care to his side. He washed his hair next and silently cursed as some soap slipped into his eye. As if this entire experience wasn't already painful.

Once he was satisfied all the dirt had been washed off he turned the hot water up and turned his back to the spray. He braced himself against the shower wall and leaned his forehead on the cool tiles as the bathroom steamed and his back scalded. If felt good, and despite the heat he shivered at the dark thoughts of pain that clouded his mind again.

He slammed the water off and stumbled out of the shower. He fumbled with the small window in the bathroom to air out the steam.

He stood nude in the room dripping water on the floor as his eyes found the mirror again. His skin was a blotchy, angry red. His eyes drifted lower to the cuts, that was what always bothered him about cutting, how noticeable they were to him. The burn on his hand stung then too, like it was upset it was almost forgotten. He hated them. Of all the fucked up nervous habits that could calm him down and make him feel grounded, it had to be pain.


	4. Chapter 4

There are two things Rick knows for sure in his current thoughts. First, when you live with a group of people in close quarters for a long time you end up knowing things about people that they would rather you not know. Secondly, he was a police officer before the world ended, and even though the new world order is fucked up he is still a police officer.

Rick was fimiliar with victims of abuse in his line of work. He had been to a handful of domestic abuse calls and had seen those wives afterwards. Worst of all though he saw the kids from the calls. Those were always the worst cases. Looking at a kid that's been beat to hell and back hits a nerve. He's seen it all from a few bruises, to open wounds, to even losing a kid on the way to a hospital. It was horrible to see, but it had to be worse to endure.

Rick had always hated parents that abused their kids. They were supposed to care for and love their child, protect them, not put them into harms way. He never understood those kinds of people.

Worse yet, he never understood the kids that were getting hurt. More often then not the kids had been enduring the pain and beatings for a good amount of time and by the time they got on the radar of the police and CPS they were barley kids anymore. They didn't laugh the same as other kids, if they laughed at all. They didn't like being touched, or held. They didn't like adults much in general, even the police.

Although all kids were different and maybe reacted differently, there were always baselines. Such as evasion, or not wanting to talk about it. Bring a kid in to question, whether you're a police officer or a principal at school, they always clammed up or evaded the question. Maybe you would be able to get the information out of them, but it took a lot of prying and a shook up kid was left in the wake.

Rick didn't know a lot about Daryl, he didn't like to talk about himself that much. He seemed to live more in the present then others. He didn't like to bring up the past, but Rick has been to enough domestic calls and seen enough battered wives and children to recognize that Daryl fits in that category. He has a lot of the signs, and Rick's not even sure Daryl realizes he does some of them.

Daryl flinches. A lot.

He flinches when people grab him without warning, or when they accidentally brush against him and he's not expecting it. Hell, even if he's expecting the touch Rick can see the way his body tenses and how he draws back just the slightest from the person. He flinches at loud noises too. Yelling.  
He's always gaurded, whenever someone asks him something a little to personal. His eyes will bore into you like they're searching for the ulterior motive behind your words.

He doesn't talk to anyone about his life growing up. Everyone has their stories to tell, but Daryl rarely does. Rick heard from Carl that Daryls mom died in a fire. He'll tell some stories about Merle, not often though, because most of the people who remember Merle didn't really care for him.

He has scars too. Rick saw them once. At Hershel's, when he had been getting stitched up. There were a few on his back that he could make out. He didn't doubt that there were more that he couldn't see under all the dirt and grime that had been covering him at the time.

If Rick was being honest, he wasn't entirely sure how he was going to confront Daryl about where he had been anymore. He wasn't blind, he knew Daryl was agitated being in Alexandria. He wanted to be out in the woods being useful or by himself.

Daryl didn't like to be holed up in a place to long, but for some reason he didn't want to leave the house and check out Alexandria like everyone else had. Rick was cocksure he was getting antsy to go out because there wasn't anywhere he could retreat from the family when he needed to be alone.

He liked being alone, everyone did every once in a while, but Daryl more then others. It was easier on the road when he could go off on his own business scouting or hunting, finding water. No one ever stopped him, but now Rick was stopping him.

Rick felt the family was safe here, at least safer then they had been on the road. The people weren't his main concern they were kind of pathetic and Rick doubted they could hurt any of his family, who have had plenty of practice fighting and surviving. He wasn't sure what the tie to keep everyone together was coming from anymore.

He shouldn't have pushed Daryl so much when he got home late tonight. But no one had known where he was and they had agreed that he probably hopped the fence. It was stupid but everyone had brushed it off as Daryl being Daryl, until he didn't come home at dinner or sundown. Eugene had voiced his thoughts that maybe he wouldn't come back, after all it was obvious the last few days he didn't really seem to like being here. Maggie had hit him for that remark.

Rick volunteered to stay up and wait for him. He hadn't meant to upset Daryl, really he hadn't. There was probably a way that he could have handled it better then he did, but he had been worried that Eugene was right. As implausible as it sounded to everyone he knew that that thought grabbed on in the back of their minds and wouldn't let go.

He let his angry thoughts decide his approach and anger wasn't ever a way to approach Daryl. It was like his training had come flooding back to him, and he kicked himself over and over. Adults that had been abused in their childhood tended to either be more likely to be aggressive and violent, or they could tend to be shyer and avoident. They were always vigilant because their brain has changed to think that a threat can happen anytime. From anything or anyone.

Daryl tended to be on the shyer side of the scale, while he had his moments of outbursts he tended to have a good handle on himself. Some people would probably think that those outbursts put him in the aggressive category, but they never knew Merle. Merle had been a ticking time bomb. You never knew when he was going to explode on you, but it was usually the inevitable outcome.

While Rick had tried to stay calm and collected when he was trying to talk to Daryl it was apparent that following him to his room had not been the best of ideas and Daryl must have seen it as a threat of some kind. Rick couldn't think of any other reason that Daryl would've responded that way. He knew that Daryl would never intentionally hurt anyone in the family. He would die before he laid a hand on anyone.

Of course this was based on his own experiences and observation. None of this has ever been backed up by Daryl. Rick was sure he wasn't the only one to have noticed. Daryl and Carol were also very close, she must see something there too.

But that's the most he had to go on when it came to Daryl. How he did things and approached people, relationships. Even with all of that, he was still such an incredible person. He still saw good in people. He's overcome the shadow of his brother that he used to live in. He has grown so much as a person since Rick had first met him. He hadn't even realized until the prison, when he was losing his mind and Daryl was picking up the slack with not just the group but also his children. The only reason Judith was alive was because Daryl risked his life to get her some formula.

He called Daryl his brother, he had only ever called Shane that. Shane had been his best friend for decades, since they were kids, but somewhere along the way Daryl had snuck up and taken that possition. This new world shows people's true colours.

Rick ran through all of his possible options in his head and decided to confront Daryl again in the morning. Hopefully in a way that Daryl wouldn't see as threatening. Start over, get to the bottom of the problem. Which is where Rick's problems began. He wasn't sure if Daryl was having problems with the group, himself, this new place, or losing Beth and Tyresse. Daryl had been in a funk before they got here, maybe he hadn't gotten out of it like he had thought.

If that was the case then Rick really had no idea where to start. They have all lost people, some got to people harder then others and there was no way of knowing how to break them out of it. Sasha was starting to get better about losing her brother, and Maggie her sister.

He didn't think that was the problem though. Daryl may not have been 100 percent when they had arrived here, but he had been getting better. Now he was getting worse again, and he was acting different compared to before their arrival. He was acting more like when they had first met. He was being distant and ignoring the people around him.

Rick let out an exasperated sigh, it was 2:47 now. He really needed to get to sleep. There were plans for tomorrow and they weren't going to be easy to execute. If he doesn't scare Daryl off from confronting him he will with the subject matter.

Rick woke with relative ease when the sun was just starting to rise. So much for a good nights sleep. He crept quietly past his Carl's room where Judith was also sleeping for the night, as well as Michonne's. Downstairs he gave Daryl's room a wide berth and found Carol in the kitchen. She handed him a cup of tea and he nodded his thanks. He hadn't liked tea much before the turn but it was amazing how living off the land had changed his palette, as long as it was food it didn't matter anymore.

"So I'm guessing by Daryl's dirty clothes in the hamper he came back last night." Carol stated more then asked. She patted at the island countertop opposite her. Rick took his cue and sat.

"Yeah," Rick played with his mug, "it didn't go well."

"Why not" Carol didn't seem surprised. Maybe she should have stayed up to wait for him, they always got on well.

"I think I'm asking too much of him. I don't know if I should have made him stay back, or if I should just let him come and go as he always does." He took a sip and was grateful for the way the liquid warmed him up.

"It's a tough call. I don't think he blames you, and if he does he won't for long. He has always been a logical person," bless Carol. "Mostly" Rick chuckled at that.

"Yeah, I guess. I'm going to talk to him again this morning. Try to straighten this..." He tried to search for the right word, " thing," that would work, "out."

"Hmm" Carol was flipping through a cookbook left on the counter. "I'm sure it will all work out. You're worrying over little things. So he went out and didn't like being questioned, I don't think that's actually atypical behavior," she flipped a few pages, "I think some of you are over reacting if you ask me."

Rick gave her a long, hard stare. He could see her point.

"Still gotta' talk to him, we didn't leave off on the best of notes last night." Carol sighed and pulled a face that clearly said she didn't know why she even bothered with them sometimes.

"Well then hop to it" Carol grabbed his now empty mug and placed it in the sink. Rick forced a smile as he slid by her. She patted his arm as he passed.

Rick found himself outside Daryls door, he didn't get the chance to knock before the door opened and Daryl was standing in the doorway. Rick couldn't read his expression.

Daryl leaned in the doorway and bowed his head a little, biting the side of his thumb. A nervous habit Rick was all to familiar with seeing. Once the long silence got too long and Daryl started to shift under his gaze, Rick started to talk.

"I'm sorry about last night. " Daryl looked up and through his bangs to see Rick better, he looked like he was searching for something, he obviously wasn't expecting to get an apology. Rick ducked a little to meet Daryl's eyes. "I really am. I didn't mean to make you angry. Iwas, well, we were all worried when you didn't come back yesterday, we didn't know where you were." Daryl dropped his hand back to his side.

"Sorry. " he mumbled.

"You shouldn't be. You have a right to come and go as you want, its your house too. I shouldn't have asked you to stick around because I was nervous, this doesn't seem like a place we couldn't fight out of if we had too. " Rick smiled at Daryl, who snorted.

"No kiddin' " Daryl meet his eyes finally. "Still sorry, should have left a note or somethin'" he shifted his body a bit nervously. "Was at Aaron's"

"Oh," Rick wasn't sure he heard that right, "like Aaron and Eric, Aaron?" Daryls eyes narrowed at him and Rick could practically see his muscles tense up.

"Yeah, you got a problem with that?"

"No, not at all," he raised his hands up defensively "I just didn't think they'd be people you'd hang out with. " Once the words left Rick's mouth he regreted them. But Daryl just huffed out a laugh.

"Cause they're gay? Who gives a shit. " Daryl crossed his arms. "I like 'em, they're good people. Offered me a job. " before Rick could say anything Daryl continued. "I said yes, and I'm not backing out now. I'm helping Aaron recruit, you don't get a say. " Rick nodded slowly.

"Alright," he let the thought roll around in his head, "getting out will be good for you. I get that you like it more out there then you do here. "

"I don't think ya do." Rick frowned, but before he could comment crying could be heard upstairs. "That's for you officer." Daryl brushed by him and made for the kitchen.

Daryls hope for escape into the kitchen was short lived when he saw Carol in the kitchen. She smiled at him sweetly and offered him a plate with apple slices on it. The only thing that could have given her away more would have been if there were flashing lights above her head that said caution. His narrowed eyes searched her face for some kind of give as he dragged the plate across the counter. She raised her eyebrows in question and chuckled.

"I missed you last night." She pouted a little and Daryl snorted. She couldn't hold it for long though and soon Carol was smiling wide and pointedly looking at him. He shifted under her eyes, nervous of what she might see. "The new clothes are nice, but I think you should have left the sleves on."

"Don't like sleeves." He shrugged and munched happily on his apple when he was certain Carol didn't see anything off about him. That was good he didn't want her to worry about him, he wasn't really worth the effort, but Carol seemed to think he was. She tended to be a bit of a mother hen to the group.

"That seems like an understatement" Rick chirped with Judith in tow. She wasn't crying now but her cheeks still glistened from freash tears. "Maggie will be sad that you tore up that shirt."

"Probably." Daryl mumbled. Carol tried to swipe some hair out of Daryl's face as he tried to swat them away and protect his apple from Rick who was swooping in. "Fuck you, you wonder why the hell I left." His audience chuckled.

"Well aren't you sounding perky today." The way Carol said it sounded more like it was meant as a question. "I'm glad you're getting out of this weird hole you've been in lately. I've missed you." He wanted to laugh. He hadn't gotten out of the hole, he just hit rock bottom, and was waiting for it to all cave in on him. Daryl hide behind his hair, he felt so very small right now.


End file.
